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Monday, January 18, 2010

Drowning

Yellow-white sun is shining
Morning birds are singing
I feel and hear none of it

I've stopped trying

My memories, my thoughts
Your blue eyes, your face
Etched in pain
My love and concern for you
Will never die

I've stopped trying

My only hope is for your health, your success
A life filled with happiness
For me,

I've stopped trying

My life is gray & silent,
An underwater nightmare
A fog that never lifts

I've stopped trying




I love you so much
A love that grows and swells,
But never reaches you
A love not felt

I've stopped trying

And I'm choking on my tears,

I am drowning.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Paint Me With Laughter

Lost time is never found again~Benjamin Franklin





“What a sweet little boy,” I said to the tow headed child with big blue eyes. I was visiting my friend Shannon for the first time in years, and was immediately drawn to her son Caleb. He reached out his little arms and I scooped him up.

“How old is he?” I asked hugging him close.

“Two...no three. He’s just turned three…Ha ha.Things have been hectic around here. I’m lucky I can remember to eat!”

“Oh, he’s beautiful!”

Suddenly the child pushed himself up in my arms and buried his face in my hair. He rubbed his mouth back and forth quickly on the top of my head.

“Uh…What’s he doing?” I asked, a bit nervously.

Oh, he’s feeling your ‘happy.’ That is what he calls it. He does that with just about everyone. Kinda weird huh?

“No…it’s sweet!” Very weird. “Glad I washed my hair! “

Caleb stopped rubbing his face in my hair and looked at me. His look was very solemn, and he spoke clearly.



“Your happy is broken.”



The effect his words had on me was unexpected. I immediately put him down and walked away, arms across my chest.

“Lynette? You okay?”

“He said my happy was broken.” And then I started to cry.

Oh, Hon, what’s wrong? He’s three…what does he know?

It’s true though.” I said and took a deep breath. “Something is wrong with me. I feel broken somehow. Lost. Lonely. I feel displaced here. I can’t seem to feel anything anymore, or let anyone in.”

“Well, hon your divorce…it’s only been a year, or not even?”

“It will be a year in February. I have not heard his voice or seen his face in over a year. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to get past the pain and start healing.” I buried my face in my hands and cried.

“I feel…” I said when I could catch my breath again. “I feel there is this pain in my heart, this dark ache that will never heal. Sometimes I feel I am just waiting to die.” I laughed a little shakily. ”Perhaps this wasn’t the best time for a visit.”



“No, No...” my friend was holding me I realized, and that I had wet her blouse with my tears. “We love you. We are glad you came. You can come to us for anything.”

‘Us,’ referred to her and her husband Chris. We had all been friends since college, some 15 years past. Chris was at work, and Shannon stayed home and took care of Caleb. Caleb was now tugging at his mother’s jeans. Shannon bent down, “What honey?” Caleb waved her closer whispering. Shannon sighed and leaned closer, and Caleb cupped his little hand to her ear and whispered-all the while looking at me. I smiled at him and dried my tears. I walked to the window, and looked out. The apartment was on the second floor above a daycare. The window overlooked the playground and I could see the children playing. I could hear their laughter. If only I could feel it!



I then felt a gentle pull on my hand and looked down. It was Caleb. He beamed up at me, his pale blue eyes shining.

“He wants you to go outside with him. To play.” Shannon smiled apologetically, and shrugged. A silent: It’s up to you. “He said something about you needing to be ‘painted with laughter.’ “

I smiled. Painted with laughter? I wonder if he knows I am an artist? “That sounds like exactly what I need! Lead the way Caleb!”

Once outside, Caleb led me to the center of the playing children. Curiously, the children paid neither of us any mind. Perhaps they were used to Caleb and his strange ways.

The children played around us, running and laughing, and I wished I had my camera. The playground was lit in full sun, and the children were all dressed how we should all be dressed-in fun colors and prints and designs. Caleb tilted his head back and closed his eyes. I did the same.



The sun shown through my lids, so I saw downy pink. I heard the children laughing and screaming in delight over their games. I felt the warmth of the sun, and then I felt it. Like butterfly kisses, there were these tiny bursts of energy along my skin causing goose-flesh to break out. I felt like I was being tickled.

I felt warmth, and joy and love surrounding me. I heard Caleb start to giggle then laugh, and I felt the overwhelming urge to do the same. We held hands and laughed together. The laughter painted me inside and out, and I realized there is so much beauty and joy in the world. It was time to let the darkness go.



I wonder what my happy looks like now.





Monday, January 11, 2010

The Shadow of You

Drifting among gazebos unreal
A spring, summer, fall of my own imagining
Winter frozen like my heart

I see you in my minds eye

I crumble

How to be strong, how to be fearless
When I wander in illusions and dreams

I never knew how to catch you

I never knew how to hold on

Like water through my fingers
You flow
So long

So many have slipped past my clutching grasp
I thought: Let go, let be
If love is true, you will come back to me

Like a star hidden behind clouds,
My love remains

A cold burning bright
Flickering, flickering
Out with the dawn

A brighter light can overcome this lingering pain
This lingering flame

I don’t know how to let go
Like a cold, broken heart
When I see you I crumble

I fear your face and voice

I crumble

To replace this sorrow and pain
With joy and love
Is not an easy task

But I am willing to try again

I am willing to believe and trust
In something new again
I am willing to let in a new beautiful dawn
To overcome these shadows

The shadow of you.

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Doll

Mildred didn’t want to get out of bed. The morning was freezing, and she could see frost on her windows. The weak morning light filtered in with a depressing blue glow she shut her eyes tightly against. She counted the months and days in her head. It was one year, one month and 16 days since her husband had passed away. Tears welled in her eyes. Oh, Evan. I miss you so. She opened her eyes a slit, and glanced at his side of the bed. Nope, still gone. She only sees him in dreams now, and she contemplates trying this. But no. She flings back the covers suddenly, violently-but then she lies back down.

No, No, it’s time to get up. I must see the sunrise.

It became a habit for her, maybe an obsession. She had to see the sunrise each morning. The golden sun rising and lighting the sky from deep purple, to pinks, oranges, gold and pale blue. This was one thing she could count on, and she didn’t want to miss it. She sat up slowly and put on the green fuzzy slippers Evan had bought her years ago. The slippers were fading, and the holes had been stitched with care by her. She knew she would have to let them go soon, but not today. She put on her pink robe, the one she had found at the Salvation Army for 50 cents that was too short in the sleeves. But she loved it. It was perfect for her-the too short sleeves- as she often accidentally dipped her sleeves in her tea or soup or dishwater. She had her morning tea with honey and lemon and thought of her Grandmother and all the people that have passed from her life. She couldn’t wait to see them again.

The sky was lightening, so she hurriedly put on her walking shoes and coat and set out. The morning was chilly, but not as cold as she thought. She blew her breath and could just see it. It was tolerable. She glanced to the East; the sun was barely peaking over the rooftops in the distance. She could hear the morning traffic as she began to walk the familiar route along her neighborhood. Stanly the neighbor’s terrier eagerly accompanied her for a few houses down, then turned and trotted back glancing at her once and giving her a huff. He sensed her mood she imagined, plus she forgot his treat. Silly little dog.

Everyone’s city ordained garbage can was out on the curb with the metal bar facing the street for easier access for the robotic arm on the new expensive garbage trucks her city was now using. She tried to make a mental note to remember to set her garbage out when she got back, but let the thought fade. Now that she was alone, it seemed to take forever for her to fill that giant trash can the city gave to each household. On trash days, she would sometimes find furniture, clothes or toys laid out on top for those that drive by looking for free goodies. She sometimes felt sad for these unwanted objects being thrown away. There is so much waste in the world.

The clouds were turning pink now with golden-orange lining and she sighed. She felt at peace. The sky was so beautiful she stared up at it for several steps and almost tripped. She looked down and saw a doll in her path. She picked it up. Her immediate reaction was:
Wow, she’s beautiful!

The doll was made of porcelain, and had dark brown ringlets framing her face. Her eyes seemed so lifelike, they shined. Must be glass, she thought. She looked to the nearest house. It was the Ramirez’s pink stucco house nearby, and she walked up the walkway and rang the door. Doris Ramirez answered the door and gave Mildred a smile, but then saw the doll. Her eyes widened and she made a shooing gesture with her hands. Mildred held the doll up, and began,” I found this on the sidewalk...” but Doris had started to close the door speaking in Spanish. Mildred knew very little Spanish but she understood: “No! No! Tírelo! Tírelo!” Throw it out!

It was obvious to Mildred Mrs. Ramirez didn’t want the doll. In fact, Mrs. Ramirez seemed terrified of the doll. Mildred thought she had even heard her say: El Diablo. The Devil? Mildred looked down at the precious doll and decided to take her home.

Once back in her kitchen, she set the doll down at the table and gave her a good look. The doll was an antique but in immaculate condition. Not a hair misplaced or a scratch on her fine pinkish skin. The doll was in perfect condition even though it had been in the elements who knew how long, and it was curious to find her warm-not cold at all. Mildred made a cup of tea and mused about the doll. All her nieces had grown up, and she herself only had a son that was grown and moved away. No grandchildren yet. She had always wanted a daughter, had even dreamed of her little face for so many years; A face that closely resembled the doll’s. She decided then and there to keep the doll for herself, and thought of a name for her. Bonnie? Pearl? Rose? Rose. Rose fit perfectly as the doll had rosy cheeks and her little taffeta and lace dress was a pinkish–rose hue with white lace fringe. She is like the morning sunrise! Mildred thought. The doll’s mouth was partly opened as if she might speak at any moment.

“What dear? Oh yes! What fun we will have together!”

Mildred laughed then dropped her tea cup. The shattering of the cup jarred her back to reality.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Numbers

I am 59 dear he said
How old is my soul I wonder?
30, 50, 100?
Do numbers..does age truly matter?
At a certain point..with the weight of life
And the certainty of death,
I think age and numbers fall away.

How old is my heart?

I feel newborn sometimes or unborn even..
A baby bird trying to hatch from its shell,
A metal shell
In hell

How hard can it be to love?

How hard should it be to open new wings
And fly again?
Is there any way to tell?

Numbers....

I want to laugh.

Numbers...

I cry instead.

How can it matter the weight of years
When inside....
One hasn't even been born?

How forlorn

And troubling this is
This emphasis on numbers
One, two I love you...
Does that even matter?
Three, four I could go on
and on and on with you...

But let us close the door on the matter.

Friday, January 1, 2010

The Death of Mr. Faerie

What is that?! Sandra woke up on Sunday morning to find her cat had killed and dragged in another dead animal.
What in the world… She bent down to get a closer look at the mangled and winged body, and her eyes widened.
“George! Get in Here! Oh, my God!” She saw the face, and then saw the little shoes.
“George!”
Her husband rushed into the room, his face half-lathered in shaving cream.
“What?” What?! Where’s the fire?” He looked down at the body. “Benny got another one, huh? Ugh. What a mess!”
Sandra looked up at him. “No, honey. Look!” She pointed at the little face, at the shoes.
“Why that’s a strange looking bird! Or is it some sort of insect? Looks like a moth or butterfly with those wings.”
“Honey, it has a human face! It’s wearing clothes!”
“I don’t have my glasses on dear, but what you are saying is impossible. Calm down, let me throw it in the trash.”
“Just look!”
“Oh jeez.” George gave a big sigh. “Let me go get my glasses.”

He went back into the bathroom, and Sandra gave the creature another look and then glanced at her cat. Benny ignored her and was cleaning his bloodied paws. She felt she would be sick.
“You think I should call the police?” She said softly, mostly to herself.
George came back into the room now adorned with glasses and with the shaving cream gone. ”Hmm?”
“Oh, nothing…just look please. I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
George looked, and then looked again. He turned pale and then took a deep breath. “It looks like its neck was broken,” he said softly. “And one of his, I mean its legs was torn off. He stood up suddenly and said. “I’m throwing this in the trash.”
Sandra was on the other side of the room holding her arms folded across her body.
‘But George, WHAT IS IT?!”
“It doesn’t matter what it was,” He stressed ‘was’. “It is dead now.”
“Do you think we should call the police?” Or the news, she almost added. But who wants the attention?
“Honey, if we call the police with the story that our cat dragged in some tiny little winged man, they will only call the men in the white coats. Or worse, they will take us seriously and call in scientists to investigate or the media.” Here he shivered. “No, it is best we destroy all evidence, and forget all this.”

Sandra looked at their cat. He was an orange half-feral tabby and looked a lot like that cat Morris from those old cat food commercials, except her cat was leaner and more solidly built-like a tank. She had found him in a nearby park. He was thin, but looked happy enough rolling around in the grass. She got it in her mind to rescue him though and brought him home. And he has proven to be the most unusual animal. He loved the rain and rolling in mud. He often would guard her while she slept. And though he has dragged in some unusual critters before, this absolutely took the cake. She didn’t know she even had crawfish in her yard, until he dragged one in with its pincers removed. She had thought he had brought in some alien or baby Cthulhu and the old ones had arrived. Sandra was highly imaginative. She could have blamed her imagination on Mr. Faerie-as she was now calling the strange creature-but her husband had seen it too. She suddenly felt very tired, and wanted to go lie down.
“You do what needs to be done dear.” She said to her husband, and then went into their bedroom to hopefully go back to sleep and pretend the whole matter was some strange nightmare.

George looked down at the little body. It was only the size of a sparrow, but had the wings of a butterfly. The wings were very long and thin and iridescent. He thought they were merely white, but at a different angle shone in a multitude of hues like a rainbow. The creatures face was like a human's, but twisted in such a tortured expression it was hard to make out the features. The hair was blond and cut short. The clothes were all bloodied and appeared to be made from plants. The neck was broken and the head hung limply when he lifted the creature from the carpet. There was a blood stain below him.
“Oh, damn,” he said softly and began to cry a little. “What is this?”

Sandra couldn’t fall back asleep. She thought of her cat instead of the creature. She once entertained the idea that her cat was some strange agent that protected her family from ghouls and beasties and things that go bump in the night. He had a strange, wise ancient look in his eyes. He never meowed. And she lost count of how many animals he has brought in-many unusual-that she couldn’t name. She still is not sure if that was a crawfish that time or not, or that strange lizard that one time, like a mini Komodo dragon. Plus, she has the most unusual dreams when he is around. He speaks to her in dreams, but she never can remember what message he is trying to convey. And when she would wake, he would be right there staring at her with knowing eyes.

Suddenly, she sat up in bed with a jolt. What if there are others? My goodness, how many of those things are out there?! She got out of bed, and rushed to find her husband. She found him outside just closing the lid on their garbage can outside. “George! George, what if there are more! What if they come looking for their friend?” She looked for Benny, and found him at the back sliding doors. He was staring outside, looking at something in the sky. Oh, I hope he is watching birds, she thought.